Jesus to U.S. Christians: "Cut it Out!"

Dear U.S. Followers,

I have chosen this humble venue for my open letter because, frankly, nobody else would publish it.  I considered sending this to all of the churches so that my message would be read in churches from sea to shining sea, but my words would be viewed as heretical and offensive to the oh-so-easily-offend flocks – and no pastor wants to offend his flock.  Similarly, I considered radio, but people have the attention span of a gnat and the memory of a locust.  So I settled on this tiny blog.

It seems to me that after two-thousand years of bad arguments based on bad premises, I should clear up some misconceptions.  I am mad.  Furious, really.  I intend here to turn over a few tables in your sacred temples.  Unpleasant, but it must be done!  That said, here are some clarifications of my expectations of you church-going Christians.  I number them here for your convenience.

I.  Don’t say, “I know Jesus!”  You don’t.  So, cut it out!   You wouldn’t know me if I came up to you on the street and slapped you silly (and believe me, if I wasn’t so enlightened, I would).  You can bet that those who say they know me don’t know me at all.  Even atheists don’t do that!

II.  Don’t say, “I love God” or “I love Jesus,” when what you love is the creation of your ill-informed imagination, which is inaccurate at best and a cesspool at worst.

III. Don’t praise me.  I’m not a dog or a young child.  I don’t need my ego stroked or my self-esteem built.  And besides, it doesn’t impress me favorably.

IV. Don’t worship me.  Worship is what people do instead of doing what they should do, which is following the path God has provided, loving one another, and cherishing the good.

V. Don’t get “washed in the blood of Christ” confused with “washing the blood of Christ off your hands.”  Focus on the second, and the first will take care of itself.

VI. Don’t say “God wants to see” or “God is testing.”  The Creator is not an idiot or a mad scientist.

VIII. Don’t trust any politician who uses my name; it will always come back to bite you.

IX.  If you must paint a picture of me, paint me as someone from the Middle East.  And don’t forget the scars of torture and the headdress.

X. Do not say the Bible is a “manual.”  It is NOT.  If it were, it would be no more than two sheets of papyrus long and would read like a soup can.

XI. Don’t be mad at people who only come to church for solace and a service when they feel the need; they have chosen the better part.  They have no obligation to take part in your pot lucks, bake sales, and the thousand things that you all do to convince yourself that you’re doing something very important for God.  Not everyone wants to spin their wheels the same way, and some have better things to do.  So stop attacking them.

XII.  Do not adorn your vehicle with bumper stickers that say, “Jesus Loves You” and then cut people off in traffic.  It almost seems as though you are trying to ruin my reputation (and, besides, someone might get killed).

XIII.  If you’re going to pray, do it alone.  I may have said, “When two or more of you are gathered in my name…” but I didn’t say, “Build a big church and contribute to the building fund.”  I was thinking more along the lines of friends talking about my teachings over a pitcher of beer.

XIV.  Don’t say, “I am a Christian.”  Say, “I am your friend” (and mean it).

XV.   If the only thing that keeps you from killing someone is a Commandment or “Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone,” get a clue, because you really need one.

There, I’ve said it.  I know that those are hard truths, but it doesn’t do anyone any good to ignore them.   We are not amused by what we’re seeing done in our name.  Let those who have eyes see.  And let those who have ears hear.   Straighten up, American Christians.  Right now, I’m feeling a lot better about the atheists!

Regards,

Jesus, Nazareth